Being fat and buying t-shirts

I'm not going to beat around the bush with today's blog, if being perfectly honest and blunt is good enough for Peter, Bjorn and John and Nirvana's lyrics (2 bands I'm well into at the minute, I recommend you listen to both their older stuff) then it's good enough for me.

Okay basically...I'm fat. Right? You know it, I know it. I'm a big guy, a gentlemen of bigger sorts, a man of the round kind. Does it bother you? I'd hope not. Does it bother me? Yes, to a certain extent. Do I really care? Do I fuck, but I'd like to try not being fat.

It's not hard to tell that I'm fat, its just one of those things I guess, I hate the word fat though, it seems like a derogatory term, as if every time it's said it's offending someone but regardless I'm saying it about myself so it's alright.

When I say 'I'd like to try not being fat' I mean I'd like to be skinny, just to see what it feels like. However, my family history and general shape of my whole family forbids me to do so, now don't get it twisted and think I'm blaming my weight on the history of my family, it's nobody's fault but my own when it comes down to it, but I'm saying I could never be as skinny or slim as some of my friends 'cause of this reason.

I've always been big, for as long as I can remember, I honestly 100% put it down to the fact that I just really like eating, there's nothing else too it, it's a nice thing to do, everyone does it and enjoys it otherwise not everyone would have to do it in order to stay alive. Makes sense? It just seems that I have to eat whatever is there (providing I like it), a whole meal? I can't leave a bit and 'be full', scoff scoff scoff, you have some left overs? That would be a waste, scoff scoff scoff, you're going to Donatellos? But I've just ate...argh so what, scoff scoff scoff. The worst is when I feel like I have to eat, usually when I'm just bored, living at my grandparents house usually means that they're regularly stocked up on all sorts of shitty sweets, chocolate and crisps etc. can't go wrong really, and then referring back to before, if it's there, I'll eat it, so I'll eat up all the chocolates in the pack like it's nothing. Bad times. The main reason I'm going on about this is I'm internet shopping for T-Shirts. I'm a huge fan of cool t-shirts, you can usually catch me in plain jeans, awful shoes, an over worn and trampy hoody with an un-cool outdated t-shirt on, this is because I cannot get more 'cool' t-shirts because of my size, it's a terrible cycle. I can't seem to loose weight because I'm too lazy to get up and do any exercise and all the while I continue to buy fast food and drink shit. It's terrible. I really don't want to go to a gym, as laughable a comment that may be coming from a person my size, I just don't want to go. I tried before, went for about a month straight and did well, ate right, lost enough weight to slip back into my cool Pink Floyd T-shirt (that was awesome) and then I went to Leeds festival and started eating irregularly and eating shit too and then didn't stop when I came back home either. But once again that sounds like an excuse, I'm not blaming anyone or anything for my weight, only myself.

Side note: Music is good, it free's the mind of anything and temporarily takes you to another place where colours and shapes occur, well it does for me anyway, real music should do the same for you if you listen properly. There is nothing better than a feeling where there is nothing in the world apart from you and a guitar solo and the beautiful noises and shapes it makes.

Then there's always the drinking and pizza's on the way home, that's a shitter, I'm a sucker for most things when I'm drunk but food has to be up there with the best of them. It's awful, its an awful situation, I don't feel comfortable when I go out with my friends when they're all trying new clothes on or whatever and I'm standing there in a RUN NYC t-shirt that's been worn so many times its been printed onto my man boobs underneath, it feels like people are laughing at me and I'm not really part of the group. It also says something when I regard my 'best shirt' as that stupid fucking furry man one. What a pathetic item of clothing that is. Generally being out with my friends is an uncomfortable experience as it is, I'm not saying names (I'm probably sure you can guess who I mean anyway!) but it's not as if my friends are ugly. No homo. And they dress pretty cool and get to wear all the trendy stuff in their size and then theres me following slightly behind with a guy playing guitar in a hat thats peeling off the front of an awlful plain black t-shirt, it's just really annoying and frustrating. But like I say, I only have myself to blame on this one and I'm the only one that can get myself out of this!

All in all I should really loose weight, but don't know how too maintain the stability to continue on a sturdy diet or 'eating good plan' as Jan likes to call them ¬_¬. I've been on plenty, tried them all and it takes a lot of time, something I'm not good with, but they all work or have worked for a certain amount of time and then something has came along and I've fell into the trap of the kebab wrap and then it starts all over again. I think at this point in time I'm the biggest I've ever been, I hate getting photographs taken 'cause I hate the way I look. I have no idea how my girlfriend can put up with it, she doesn't even seem to take note of it. It's not like I have a dashing face with a beautiful head of hair either! (hence why she's a keeper).

I really need to stop being so godamn motherfucking lazy and do something about it, I suppose I could have it as a 'new years resolution' or be all 'FROM THIS DAY FORWARD I WILL NOT EAT A THING THAT DOESN'T GROWN ON A TREE' but fuck that shit, that won't work, I don't know what will but by god I do hope that by this time next year I will be able to fit into the official John Frusciante T-Shirts off his website, and wear them in white with proud instead of trying to hide my many-a-roll in the visibleness of white!

Thanks for reading anyway. If you managed to get this far you can claim a reward from me...or Dipper, yeah, hassle Dipper for free shit